Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

---

A list of some funny Family Guy quotes.

Stewie: Let me tell you something Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it you cow!

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
Guy - OH MY GOD!
Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Peter: Here's to our neighbors. They may be black, handicap, or a heartless sex hound. But if it weren't for them, some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Peter: Ok, there's this Jewish guy and a Chinese guy at a bar, and...oh, God (looking at a bunch of Jewish men on one side, and Chinese men on the other side)! Ok, so there's this Jewish guy and a Chinese guy at a bar, and they see this naked priest...oh, sorry Father.
Naked Priest: Nah, it's alright. I've heard them all.

Peter: You know, some people think that dandlions are weeds, but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

Lois: Peter, did you post a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You posted it over me!!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.

Chris: Yea, we can live with you again even though you are a dangerous retard!
Peter: Chris, don't say retard. we preffer to be called 'little people' because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, i've learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties , and one day you will beg us for mercy...and we will consider it.

Host: This one for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Announcer: The password is "flaming".
Peter: You...
Tony: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony: Tony?
Peter: You...

Peter: Wow! Lois, look at you! You look like Britney Spears! Except not a fat guy.

Lois: What did I tell you?
Peter: You told me not to drink at the stag party.
Lois: and what did you do?
Peter: I drank at the sta- Whoa... I almost fell right into that one!

Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.

Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Peter: When she worries she says things like 'I told you so,' and 'Stop doing that, I'm asleep.'

Grandpa Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter: There you go, Lois, you love kids.

Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.

If you know any then send'em in. =)

---